Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I don't have a title or an answer!

Well our meeting went better than expected. They agreed to everything we asked for. That still doesn't stop the nightmares, the fear, the nightly stomach aches, the fake coughing or any other excuse not to go to bed. He says" I can't go to sleep because every time that I try I just think of bad things." Although he won't name them, they only come Sunday night through Thursday night, so you do the math. Mornings are the same. I feel like the warden marching an inmate to the "chair."

Matthew had to get shots today and Will had an appointment with the therapist too. While me, Craig, Christian and Matthew waited for the shots, Will went to the back office to talk to Cindy. While he enjoys these times, I couldn't help but wonder how we got here??

I remember when he was Matthew's age thinking how bad it was for someone that little to have something as painful as a shot, but I could fix that. A little Tylenol and some kisses could make it all better. Now almost 8 years later, I'm up at night crying and praying for my little boy's peace of mind. How did that happen?????????????????????????????? I swear I just want to scream! If he had a broken bone, we could put a cast on it. If he had an ear infection, we could get him antibiotics. But how do I heal his tiny spirit that seems to be crumbling?

He does a good job at hiding his emotions at school. I guess he's learned that at school a breakdown just makes things harder. It makes the kids look at him even more differently. He may not understand others emotions well, however, he does understand what things draw attention to the fact that he's different. I like to say that there's a line on our driveway. Almost everyday he gets off the bus and starts down the driveway towards me as I and usually his brothers wait at the door. When he hits this invisible "line" his tiny face crumples. You can see the weight of the day crushing down on him. By the time he hits the threshold and steps into the house, he's in tears. We still have 30 more days of this torture!

Today it was PE. Tomorrow it could be lunch. I hate to wallow. I never do it in front of him. Tonight, after he finally dozed off, I went to turn off his lamp. As I looked at his tiny body that's dwarfed even in a twin bed, his brows were knit together. Why does he have to carry such weight at 7 years old? I prayed for my answer to what to do next year and got it loud and clear, see previous post, we will be homeschooling next year. But what do I do for the next 30 days to keep my child from becoming clinically depressed?? I am trying to pray and be patient for the answer, but I need strength. I could stand it, if it were me hurting, but I can't take seeing him hurt. Especially when I can't "fix"it. He looks at me and I can see the words his mind is thinking,"Why do you make me do this? Why are you sending me to be miserable? You're supposed to protect me!" I have dreams about him saying these very words to me. It makes my heart ache so badly that it feels like it will quit beating.

I've become short with Craig and the boys. I've spent all my energy fighting against the school that I sometimes feel like I don't have any left to actually give to them. It's the only way I know how to help Will. But that just leaves me ill and cranky and then I loose my patience with all of them. So, if I talk to you and bite your head off, just let me apologize now and get it out of the way. I just don't have much left for anybody these days. I just don't know. I'm spent for the night. This day has gone on too long as it is. Tomorrow I will wake him up and send him back to the nightmare with a smile on my face, wishing him good luck, have a good day and telling him how much I love him. And I will be waiting for him to get off the bus and cross that line to drop all of his burdens from the day as he walks in the door. I guess we will do this for 30 more days.

I'd like to just ask you, if you are reading this, please say a prayer for him.

1 comment:

  1. Shannon, as a mom, I found your account of your son's pain wrenching. I will pray that the next 30 days are easier, somehow, and that the helplessness, frustration with the lack of support from the school, and the weight of holding yourself together, for the sake of Matthew and the rest of the family, is eased.